TO THE ONE IN SORROW:
by Grace Noll Crowell
"Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
And let me take your hand.
I, who have known sorrow such as yours, can understand.
Let me come in, I would be very still beside you in your grief,
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend.
Tear bring relief, let me come in and in and hold your hand,
I have known and understand a sorrow such as yours".
GRIEF AS A PROCESS OF HEALING AND COPING WITH IT.
Grief is a natural reaction to loss of something or someone close. Acceptance of this is an essential part of the healing process.
It is important to note that the grief process should not be suppressed but allowed as a process of healing in itself. All kind of mixed emotions like numbness, condemnation, shock, irrational or disjointed thought patterns or process, anger, are experienced as a result of this significant loss.
Grief is a culmination of 'emotional suffering' associated not only with loss of lives, but covers the following;
someone close
-Loss of job and income, business failure
-Inability to conceive and miscarriage
-Inability to conceive and miscarriage
-Breakup in relationship of couples, friends and
family
-Failure to achieve set targets, goals and
objectives.
-To some, even the death of a pet.
-Trauma or tragic occurrence, for instance rape,
-To some, even the death of a pet.
-Trauma or tragic occurrence, for instance rape,
torture
-Loss of security, after a
-Loss of security, after a
traumatic ordeal
The one particular sharing that stood out was how an ailing spouse prepares the distraught other half to prepare for the inevitable, which is to lookput for signs and symptons that preceeds death.
Some have the benefit of a strong and mature character, family support, counselling and encouragement and hence enjoy an early rebound.
The one particular sharing that stood out was how an ailing spouse prepares the distraught other half to prepare for the inevitable, which is to lookput for signs and symptons that preceeds death.
Others adopt other routes, by engaging in social activities, exercising, eating healthy, reading, finding avenues to relax, pursuit of a hobby or interest, joining support group and listening to music.
One widower, adjudged, it was better he endures the grieving process rather than his spouse, and that acceptance fast-forwarded the healing process.
One widower, adjudged, it was better he endures the grieving process rather than his spouse, and that acceptance fast-forwarded the healing process.
And yet there are a smaller group who have the ability to be patient with self and allow to feel the grief.
A profound observation is that, in all of the above, there is no specific time-frame, since the grief process is not linear, but more often is experienced in cycles.
A profound observation is that, in all of the above, there is no specific time-frame, since the grief process is not linear, but more often is experienced in cycles.
Its akin to climbing a spiral staircase, thinking one is going nowhere but in circles, when in actual fact progress is made.
A good measure to take is for the individual to attach to a support group or talk to counsellors as this would be beneficial to forward the healing process.
NORMAL GRIEF REACTIONS:
-Feel like going crazy: At times shouting at self, saying things like, 'wake up, he or she is gone". Wanting to get out of the house to escape familiarity. Letting out a deep groan in utter frustration, first thing when awake.
-Unable to concentrate: Going blank, being absent minded, staring into space for extended period of time, in the process neglecting responsibilities, meal times and caring for the ones under one's care. Missing a turn countless times, when driving appear to be popular one.
-Sad or depressed: Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief leading one to experiencing feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness or the tendency to cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable. Feeling that life is empty or meaningless.
-Irritable/angry: One may be angry at self, God, the doctors, or even the deceased for abandoning. There is this need to blame someone for the injustice that was done
-Anxious, nervous, fearful: Loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. One may feel anxious, helpless, insecure or may even experience panic attacks. It even trigger fears about one's own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the tasks to be faced alone.
-Desperate for some form of escapism: Avoiding things that remind of the loved one. Denial of the death or sense of disbelief.
-Guilty, remorseful: Regret or guilty about things not expressed or done. One may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. with all good intent, feeling relieved when the person died after a long and difficult illness). After a death, one may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more to be done. An actual account of one who refused to bury the deceased spouse a week after death, is another example of trying to reverse the process.
-Lack of energy and motivation: Grief involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss/gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.
-Lack of energy and motivation: Grief involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss/gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.
-Numb: Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. In some extreme case, people have been known to go to places frequented together, with the hope of finding them there.
COMPLICATED GRIEF OR DEPRESSION
If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it prevents from resuming a normal life, one may be suffering from a condition known as "complicated grief". Complicated grief (or depression) is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning, while having trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts the daily routine and undermines other relationships. There is also the following:-
-Intense longing and yearning for the deceased.COMPLICATED GRIEF OR DEPRESSION
If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it prevents from resuming a normal life, one may be suffering from a condition known as "complicated grief". Complicated grief (or depression) is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning, while having trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts the daily routine and undermines other relationships. There is also the following:-
-Intrusive thoughts or images of loved one
-Imagining that the loved one is alive.
-Searching for the person in familiar places.
Its important to differentiate between grief and depression, since both share many similar symptoms.
Grief as said earlier, can be a roller coaster experience, involving a variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even in the middle of the grieving process, one can have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant.
Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief:
Intense, pervasive sense of guilt.
Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying.
Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness.
Slow speech and body movements.
Inability to function at work, home, and/or school.
Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there.
The same relives or happens in dreams.
Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help get better. Clinical treatment is not an option.
-Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to -
-Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in
Having the support of others is the a priority in healing from loss. To convey to others the grieving, to accept help and support, even if one is not comfortable with it, makes the burden of grief easier to bear.
Draw comfort from your faith: The measure of one's walk with the Lord, will dictate the pace recovery. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to an elder or pastor.
FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF:
An expert in this area, Dr Elisabeth Kubler, in 1969, based on her study of the feelings of terminally ill patients, introduced the "five stages of grief," encompassing:-
-Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
An expert in this area, Dr Elisabeth Kubler, in 1969, based on her study of the feelings of terminally ill patients, introduced the "five stages of grief," encompassing:-
-Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
-Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to -
blame?”
-Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in
return I will ____.”
-Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
-Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what
-Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
-Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what
happened.”
It is not a prerequisite to go through each of the above phase in order to heal, and if one does, it is not will not be in a neat and sequential format. Dr Kubler prior to her death in 2004, clarified her findings were never intended to suppress the roller coaster emotions into an orderly and neat package.
Depending on the individual, grief after-all can be a roller coaster process.
Having the support of others is the a priority in healing from loss. To convey to others the grieving, to accept help and support, even if one is not comfortable with it, makes the burden of grief easier to bear.
Just do not grieve in solitude. Stay connected by:
Join a support group: Sharing one's sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. Therefore, find a bereavement local support group.
Talk to a therapist or grief counselor: Do not sweep aside mental health professionals with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help one work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to grieving. Once considered taboo, the church is now more equipped in this aspect.
Turn to friends and family members: A good time to close ranks with family. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what is needed, whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
Express your feelings: Keep a journal about the loss. Write a letter to the loved one saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her. Expressing in a tangible or creative way helps.
Maintain good physical health: The mind and body are connected, so it is with feeling good physically and emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Do not suppress the grief or lift the mood artificially by turning to substance or alcohol abuse.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel: Grief is personal, and no one else can tell when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.Feel whatever without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when ready.
Plan ahead for grief “triggers” : Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. When sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the deceased.
- Advance Preparation: During an open discussion with participants of the GWM (Grief Walk Ministry, FGA), it dawned through one sharing, the need to prepare for death. In this case a dying spouse prepares the other half to face reality and speaks of the tell tale signs of the final moments. This account related by the surviving half does point to the need for preparation.
It was noted, the church conducts various marriage class activities for newly wed couples and marriage renewal vows at various stages of the marriage.
The preparation aspects could look into the need for preparedness of death as a prerequisite and acceptance.
At some point the resource material tabulated in the GWM need to be wisely incorporated with courses related to marriage and family life.
Talk to a therapist or grief counselor: Do not sweep aside mental health professionals with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help one work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to grieving. Once considered taboo, the church is now more equipped in this aspect.
Turn to friends and family members: A good time to close ranks with family. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what is needed, whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
Express your feelings: Keep a journal about the loss. Write a letter to the loved one saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her. Expressing in a tangible or creative way helps.
Maintain good physical health: The mind and body are connected, so it is with feeling good physically and emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Do not suppress the grief or lift the mood artificially by turning to substance or alcohol abuse.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel: Grief is personal, and no one else can tell when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.Feel whatever without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when ready.
Plan ahead for grief “triggers” : Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. When sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the deceased.
SUPPORTING THOSE IN GRIEF:
-Ask about their feelings: Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
-Sit down with them: Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.
-Share your feelings: Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
-Ask about their loss/Listen: People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens.
-Remember the loss:Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever he or she needs.
-Remember the loss:Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever he or she needs.
-Stay in touch/Call often:Stay in touch with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Your support is more valuable than ever once the funeral is over, the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off.
-Acknowledge pain:Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
-Allow those in grief to feel sad: Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn’t feel. The bereaved should feel free to express their feelings, without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.
-Be available whenever possible: Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
-Do not minimize grief: Tell the bereaved that what they’re feeling is okay. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However, don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to “know” what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs.
- Advance Preparation: During an open discussion with participants of the GWM (Grief Walk Ministry, FGA), it dawned through one sharing, the need to prepare for death. In this case a dying spouse prepares the other half to face reality and speaks of the tell tale signs of the final moments. This account related by the surviving half does point to the need for preparation.
It was noted, the church conducts various marriage class activities for newly wed couples and marriage renewal vows at various stages of the marriage.
The preparation aspects could look into the need for preparedness of death as a prerequisite and acceptance.
At some point the resource material tabulated in the GWM need to be wisely incorporated with courses related to marriage and family life.
John 10:1-18 is mindful of God's nature. Jesus likens Himself to the Good Shepherd who knows His sheep and is known by them.
At a time of grief, it is best we come to grips with this truth about Jesus the Good Shepherd who tends to, and nurture our needs.
Extracting from resource materials and the input from participants in the GWM. Latest update Sunday 6th May 2012
Other resource materials:
Coping with a Loved One’s Terminal Illness by Harvard Health Publications
Extracting from resource materials and the input from participants in the GWM. Latest update Sunday 6th May 2012
Other resource materials:
Coping with a Loved One’s Terminal Illness by Harvard Health Publications
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